The Malicious Mind

One of the most astounding aspects of depression - my depression, at least - is the mind's ability to ruminate on and inflate past grievances and use those past experiences to create future ones that have little or no likelihood of actually happening.  What are usually probably thoughtless oversights by others are infused with malevolent intent.  Small annoyances become gigantic, the improbable future becomes all too real.  All these perceived injustices - past, present and future - congeal into a dark force that makes it feel as though you are being hit by all of them at once, now and forever in a Ground Hog Day-like loop.

What is frustrating is that a seasoned depressive like me can to an extent sit above it and be aware of exactly what is happening, recognize the insane irrationality of it and still feel powerless to stop the process, like grabbing hold of the proverbial runaway train and hoping that by merely grabbing it and digging in your heels you can stop it, but deep down knowing that alone is futile.

That's kinda where I am these days.

Clear! Pawthwump.

I haven't written a blog post in just a shade over a year.  After so much time, I wonder why I was wringing my hands over whether to continue or not.  Jerry Seinfeld was the creator and star of his self-titled sit-com that ran for nine seasons and that was famously about nothing.  NOTHING!  Of course, I am no Seinfeld.  My bank account is far less full and my area code much less tony, and my contribution to pop culture far more modest; make that non-existent.  More than a year later, I realize that I miss being able to dash something off.  Much like a constipated man, sometimes I just need to get it out and, unlike a constipated man, having an audience, however modest, matters.  I don't know why but there it is (not a fan of impersonal pronouns or prepositions, but there you go.)

Anyway, I was having a coffee with a friend of mine a week or two ago and we were chatting about an article I was reading in Scientific American Mind about how exposing yourself to new experiences was a key ingredient to boosting your creativity and she suggested that might be a good theme for some blog posts.  I have to admit the idea struck a chord, so I may tr it.  She suggested I start by taking a yoga class.  Well, that may be a little brave for me to start with so maybe I'll start by walking a couple of blocks with traffic at my back instead of widely recommended walking against traffic method that I follow as a rule.

I may also spend some time writing about businesses that really tick me off with their poor product or poor service or poor value-for-money and, conversely, about those that are exceptionally good.  Hopefully, I will write more about the latter than the former.  When food truck season starts again, I will definitely write about one that happens to produce the best pizza in Ottawa.  I'll also write about the great little knife store in Ottawa's Glebe neighbourhood that sells hand-forged Japanese kitchen knives and hand sharpens knives for clients.

I will also use this space to attack my enemies.

And, of course, I will write about my various projects - the shop reno that I am having the hardest time attacking consistently, learning guitar, which I am making slow but steady progress on and whatever other little task grabs my attention.

So, pretty much the blank-slate model I was employing before my sojourn.

Well, I think I'm looking forward to this.  We'll see how it goes.  Until the next time...