Friday, 21 October 2016

The Malicious Mind

One of the most astounding aspects of depression - my depression, at least - is the mind's ability to ruminate on and inflate past grievances and use those past experiences to create future ones that have little or no likelihood of actually happening.  What are usually probably thoughtless oversights by others are infused with malevolent intent.  Small annoyances become gigantic, the improbable future becomes all too real.  All these perceived injustices - past, present and future - congeal into a dark force that makes it feel as though you are being hit by all of them at once, now and forever in a Ground Hog Day-like loop.

What is frustrating is that a seasoned depressive like me can to an extent sit above it and be aware of exactly what is happening, recognize the insane irrationality of it and still feel powerless to stop the process, like grabbing hold of the proverbial runaway train and hoping that by merely grabbing it and digging in your heels you can stop it, but deep down knowing that alone is futile.

That's kinda where I am these days.

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