So, last night Kate, the Bean and I were trying to relax in our hotel room in Oakville but unfortunately, kids were running and yelling through the halls making relaxation difficult. I mused on my Facebook page about what kind of parent allows their children to disrupt every other paying guests' peace. The answer came about an hour later when the adults decided the hall was the perfect place to drink their beer and have a loud conversation. Kate went out and asked them tersely if they could take the conversation back to their room.
When I was a kid, if I behaved like that I would earn a threat to have my ear cuffed if not actually getting a cuff from one of my parents. I just seem to remember kids of my generation were held to a higher standard of behaviour than kids seem to be today. My childhood was one long lesson in honesty and respect for others.
Permissiveness, though, seems to be a popular parenting model these days. An old high school friend of mine often posts on Facebook about bratty behaviour from kids and more importantly on the lack of concern about that behaviour on behalf of their parents. I wonder about the reasons for this. I have gone so far as to blame Canada's adoption of a Charter of Rights and Freedoms which I find instills in many a sense of entitlement, that they can do whatever they like without concerning themselves how their behaviour may affect others. The notion that their freedom ends where another person's begins is an alien concept.
Certainly many parents seem to be distracted a lot of the time - too busy being plugged in via their "smart" phones or tablets so they may not even be aware of the bratty behaviour. Maybe they are even oblivious to the fact that their kids may be annoying other people.
I'm not saying the Bean is perfect, or that we are perfect parents, but we would certainly have halted similar behaviour and pointed out to her that she needs to consider what impact her actions have on the other people around her. We expect her to be a considerate and polite person. When she strays from our expectations, we use it as a teaching moment and point out how her behaviour may or may not have been appropriate and what she could have done differently.
Even as write this now, I hear the kids again out in the hall being loud. Despite our complaints last night, the parents continue to find this acceptable. My god, talk about the unbearable burden of being.
Sunday, 15 July 2012
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Summer Vacation: Part I
I am writing this post from my 19th floor hotel room overlooking Niagara Falls, Ontario. Yes, it is summer vacation time - that time of year when we delve into the dark folds of our brains to come up with activities and trips to entertain our child. I remember my youth when day camps didn't exist and we were left to fend for ourselves. Somehow we muddled through and managed to keep ourselves mostly entertained. Something changed along the way from childhood to parenthood and we all now seem to be invested with the responsibility of finding something interesting for our kids. So what do we have lined up for our little Bean this summer?
Well, we started our vacation by going to see the RCMP Musical Ride with a neighbour and her kids. This is something that everyone should do once in their lives, but only once. The choreographed horse riding is okay, but probably not worth the crowds and the hour long wait to get out of the parking lot. I tried to make it more interesting for the kids by suggesting that we might get lucky and see the Mounties shoot some terrorists, but alas, we were thwarted.
Next up on the agenda was preparing for a trip to Southern Ontario to visit my brother-in-law, his wife and their brand new baby girl. We arrived two days ago and our new niece is, as advertised, a beautiful little giblet. Our first visit with them was short-lived and the next day we headed to Niagara Falls - the town that kitsch built: wax museums, museums dedicated to the creepy, weird and unusual, haunted houses and I could go on and on. And of course we saw the falls. And they are majestic and magnificent. We took a Maid of the Mist cruise which brought us surprisingly close to the falls. You could really feel their power.
Today, we visited Marine Land. I found it so-so. The attractions are scattered over a very large piece of land, which meant a lot of walking and with Kate being a little handicapped these days. At least she was able to rent a wheelchair, so when she got tired the Bean and I could push her. Largely, the rides were what I like to call vomitrons - rides that spin you around in different ways at the same time and make you want to, well, vomit. Not my favourite kind of ride. The Bean and Kate went on a couple of them together and the Bean was quite happy to go on some by herself. The only ride I really enjoyed was the roller coaster. This was the Bean's first time on a coaster that had loops and she had a blast, although she bruised her back the second trip around. I was very proud of her.
The other good thing about the visit to Marine Land was the show featuring sea lions, dolphins and beluga whales. I have to admit to some ambivalence about keeping these beautiful and graceful animals in captivity and in the service of man. Keeping them so confined and essentially working seems inhumane. On the other hand, I feel privileged to be able to see them so close. Another moral tussle for me to have with my conscience.
Anyway, I hope to file another vacation report later in the summer. Hope everyone in the Northern hemisphere is having a good summer and those in the South a good winter. Til next time.
Well, we started our vacation by going to see the RCMP Musical Ride with a neighbour and her kids. This is something that everyone should do once in their lives, but only once. The choreographed horse riding is okay, but probably not worth the crowds and the hour long wait to get out of the parking lot. I tried to make it more interesting for the kids by suggesting that we might get lucky and see the Mounties shoot some terrorists, but alas, we were thwarted.
Next up on the agenda was preparing for a trip to Southern Ontario to visit my brother-in-law, his wife and their brand new baby girl. We arrived two days ago and our new niece is, as advertised, a beautiful little giblet. Our first visit with them was short-lived and the next day we headed to Niagara Falls - the town that kitsch built: wax museums, museums dedicated to the creepy, weird and unusual, haunted houses and I could go on and on. And of course we saw the falls. And they are majestic and magnificent. We took a Maid of the Mist cruise which brought us surprisingly close to the falls. You could really feel their power.
Today, we visited Marine Land. I found it so-so. The attractions are scattered over a very large piece of land, which meant a lot of walking and with Kate being a little handicapped these days. At least she was able to rent a wheelchair, so when she got tired the Bean and I could push her. Largely, the rides were what I like to call vomitrons - rides that spin you around in different ways at the same time and make you want to, well, vomit. Not my favourite kind of ride. The Bean and Kate went on a couple of them together and the Bean was quite happy to go on some by herself. The only ride I really enjoyed was the roller coaster. This was the Bean's first time on a coaster that had loops and she had a blast, although she bruised her back the second trip around. I was very proud of her.
The other good thing about the visit to Marine Land was the show featuring sea lions, dolphins and beluga whales. I have to admit to some ambivalence about keeping these beautiful and graceful animals in captivity and in the service of man. Keeping them so confined and essentially working seems inhumane. On the other hand, I feel privileged to be able to see them so close. Another moral tussle for me to have with my conscience.
Anyway, I hope to file another vacation report later in the summer. Hope everyone in the Northern hemisphere is having a good summer and those in the South a good winter. Til next time.
Sunday, 1 July 2012
Canada Day and Independence Day
I just want to wish my Canadian readers a very happy Canada day. Kate, the Bean and I are lucky to be living in Ottawa and to be able to celebrate with what is unquestionably the largest Canada Day Party in the world, although we won't be partaking this year. We hope to catch a sight of Canada's aerobatic team, the Snowbirds, though, since we live quite close to the airport. I hope wherever you are, you take a moment to reflect on what a great country we live in.
I also want to wish our American friends a very happy Independence Day. The U.S. will be celebrating its 236th birthday this year, an older cousin to Canada's 145 years old. We had the pleasure of being in Boston last year for the Fourth of July celebrations and it was something to behold.
A toast to both countries. Cheers.
Geoff
I also want to wish our American friends a very happy Independence Day. The U.S. will be celebrating its 236th birthday this year, an older cousin to Canada's 145 years old. We had the pleasure of being in Boston last year for the Fourth of July celebrations and it was something to behold.
A toast to both countries. Cheers.
Geoff
Saturday, 30 June 2012
The First Eight Months of Living with Kate's Cancer
I have noticed that many of the hits this blog page gets are from searches for information about breast cancer. I'm not an oncologist, nor am I particular informed about the various types and stages of breast cancer, but I have been by my wife, Kate's, side for the past eight months as she's faced her particular brand of stage IV breast cancer. So, I am writing this blog post for those who have been diagnosed with, or have a loved one who has, breast cancer and happen to come across my blog.
First a little background: Kate was diagnosed in October with Stage IV breast cancer, which means the cancer had spread beyond the breast and lymph nodes to other parts of her body, her liver and bones, to be exact. A biopsy revealed that her cancer was "triple positive", meaning that the cancer cells had three receptors, one each for: Her2, progesterone and estrogen. This is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it makes the cancer very aggressive and on the other it presents more treatment options. She has been treated since last October.
Okay, that's the background, now the main message of this post is HOPE. My wife's experience shows that breast cancer, even late stage breast cancer, is not necessarily a death sentence. Treatments have come a long way since my mother had it in the 1970's (and she lived for another 25 years and her death was unrelated to her breast cancer). Kate, who was so very sick in the first few months, has come a long way and her oncologist says he's confident that the disease can be managed for decades. Undoubtedly, cancer is not a cakewalk - there are good days and bad days physically and emotionally for Kate and for me, but if you can get through the hard times, you have good reason to be hopeful.
Every breast cancer patient is different and unfortunately some will not be able to beat the disease, but the state of treatment options today are broad and I am amazed by the resilience of the people I have met. I don't want to be trite, but if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with breast cancer, please know that all is not lost. Yes, your life is about to get harder, but know that the hope I am trying to convey is not empty but real. Hang in there and you and your families can get through this together. Please.
I also want to encourage women to examine their breasts monthly because the sooner the disease is caught, the better the prognosis usually is and the less impact it will have on your day-to-day life. Also, if you have a family history of the disease, speak with your doctor about getting regular mammograms.
My wife has been blogging about her experience and her site contains a lot of useful information and links to other blogs and resources for patients. Please check it out:
http://katebreastcancer.blogspot.ca/
Also, I have written some posts about the disease from my perspective:
http://geofftakeson.blogspot.ca/2011/12/kates-breast-cancer.html
http://geofftakeson.blogspot.ca/2012/01/early-days-of-kates-cancer.html
http://geofftakeson.blogspot.ca/2012/01/visit-to-oncologist.html
First a little background: Kate was diagnosed in October with Stage IV breast cancer, which means the cancer had spread beyond the breast and lymph nodes to other parts of her body, her liver and bones, to be exact. A biopsy revealed that her cancer was "triple positive", meaning that the cancer cells had three receptors, one each for: Her2, progesterone and estrogen. This is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it makes the cancer very aggressive and on the other it presents more treatment options. She has been treated since last October.
Okay, that's the background, now the main message of this post is HOPE. My wife's experience shows that breast cancer, even late stage breast cancer, is not necessarily a death sentence. Treatments have come a long way since my mother had it in the 1970's (and she lived for another 25 years and her death was unrelated to her breast cancer). Kate, who was so very sick in the first few months, has come a long way and her oncologist says he's confident that the disease can be managed for decades. Undoubtedly, cancer is not a cakewalk - there are good days and bad days physically and emotionally for Kate and for me, but if you can get through the hard times, you have good reason to be hopeful.
Every breast cancer patient is different and unfortunately some will not be able to beat the disease, but the state of treatment options today are broad and I am amazed by the resilience of the people I have met. I don't want to be trite, but if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with breast cancer, please know that all is not lost. Yes, your life is about to get harder, but know that the hope I am trying to convey is not empty but real. Hang in there and you and your families can get through this together. Please.
I also want to encourage women to examine their breasts monthly because the sooner the disease is caught, the better the prognosis usually is and the less impact it will have on your day-to-day life. Also, if you have a family history of the disease, speak with your doctor about getting regular mammograms.
My wife has been blogging about her experience and her site contains a lot of useful information and links to other blogs and resources for patients. Please check it out:
http://katebreastcancer.blogspot.ca/
Also, I have written some posts about the disease from my perspective:
http://geofftakeson.blogspot.ca/2011/12/kates-breast-cancer.html
http://geofftakeson.blogspot.ca/2012/01/early-days-of-kates-cancer.html
http://geofftakeson.blogspot.ca/2012/01/visit-to-oncologist.html
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Praising Lee Valley Tools
I am lucky, for many reasons, to live Ottawa, Ontario but the biggest reason is because Ottawa is the birthplace of Lee Valley Tools a purveyor of high quality woodworking and gardening tools. I have to confess that I'm not much of a gardener, but I am a novice woodworker and an ardent follower of the craft, having amassed a not immodest library devoted ot the subject (food lovers are called "foodies", are people who are similarly enagaged in woodworking called "woodies"? But I digress).
Lee Valley (and Veritas, it's manufacturing arm) are not the only makers of premium woodworking tools - Lie-Nielsen, Clifton and Bridge City Tools are other names you may be familiar with. What sets Lee Valley and Veritas apart from the rest of the field is the bang you get for the buck. Like the other makers I mention, Veritas tools are ready to use right out of the box, all machined to tight tolerances and all the blades and cutting irons arrive honed and ready to go, but they can be purchased for a fraction of the price of a comparable Lie-Nielsen or Bridge City tool. I will grant that Lie-Nielsen produces prettier tools, but you can't go wrong with Veritas.
Lee Valley is also a tremendous innovator in tool design. Any tool nut by now would have seen Veritas' line of back saws that use an amalgam of steel dust, fiberglass and resin to provide rigidity across the back of the saw. I own several of these saws and the are a pleasure to use - by far the lightest and nicest cutting western saws I have ever used. They also make a variety of tools and jigs that are aimed directly at the amateur including sharpening jigs, jigs for handcutting dovetails, centering set screws in its bench planes and on and on. Plus, Popular Woodworking is reporting that Veritas has developed a new type of steel that combines ease of sharpening with the needed hardness to maintain a keen edge through repeated use.
As good as their tools are, what keeps me coming back to them time and again is their customer service. Lee Valley's philosophy is that you should never regret buying from them. To this end they offer a 3-month return policy, no questions asked. This alone is great, but a neighbour told me a story of how she bought a weeding tool from their store. The tool attached to your hose which you then stuck in beside the weed and released a jet of water that loosened the root and made it easy to pull up. Well, the first time she used it, the ground was so hard the tool bent and was rendered useless. She figured since she shouldn't have used it during a drought, they wouldn't refund her money, so she didn't return it. A year or two later, she happened to be back in the store and mentioned the incident to a sales associate who told her to bring it in and her money would be refunded.
Similarly, one year my wife and I bought a hammock for my dad and his wife. They loved it, but what amazed me was a few months later I got a letter in the mail explaining that the price of the hammock had gone down since I bought it and would I please find enclosed a cheque for the difference - two dollars and change. Who the hell does that? Add into the mix a very knowledgeable staff and you get a sublime shopping experience.
I had the pleasure of working at Lee Valley filling mail and internet orders in their warehouse. The work wasn't all that pleasurable, though fondling tools all day isn't too bad a gig, but what was a pleasure was the 30 percent discount employees got. Sadly most of may pay went into buying tools.
By the way, if Leonard or Robin Lee happen to read this, I wouldn't mind back in, though maybe not in the warehouse this time.
Lee Valley (and Veritas, it's manufacturing arm) are not the only makers of premium woodworking tools - Lie-Nielsen, Clifton and Bridge City Tools are other names you may be familiar with. What sets Lee Valley and Veritas apart from the rest of the field is the bang you get for the buck. Like the other makers I mention, Veritas tools are ready to use right out of the box, all machined to tight tolerances and all the blades and cutting irons arrive honed and ready to go, but they can be purchased for a fraction of the price of a comparable Lie-Nielsen or Bridge City tool. I will grant that Lie-Nielsen produces prettier tools, but you can't go wrong with Veritas.
Lee Valley is also a tremendous innovator in tool design. Any tool nut by now would have seen Veritas' line of back saws that use an amalgam of steel dust, fiberglass and resin to provide rigidity across the back of the saw. I own several of these saws and the are a pleasure to use - by far the lightest and nicest cutting western saws I have ever used. They also make a variety of tools and jigs that are aimed directly at the amateur including sharpening jigs, jigs for handcutting dovetails, centering set screws in its bench planes and on and on. Plus, Popular Woodworking is reporting that Veritas has developed a new type of steel that combines ease of sharpening with the needed hardness to maintain a keen edge through repeated use.
As good as their tools are, what keeps me coming back to them time and again is their customer service. Lee Valley's philosophy is that you should never regret buying from them. To this end they offer a 3-month return policy, no questions asked. This alone is great, but a neighbour told me a story of how she bought a weeding tool from their store. The tool attached to your hose which you then stuck in beside the weed and released a jet of water that loosened the root and made it easy to pull up. Well, the first time she used it, the ground was so hard the tool bent and was rendered useless. She figured since she shouldn't have used it during a drought, they wouldn't refund her money, so she didn't return it. A year or two later, she happened to be back in the store and mentioned the incident to a sales associate who told her to bring it in and her money would be refunded.
Similarly, one year my wife and I bought a hammock for my dad and his wife. They loved it, but what amazed me was a few months later I got a letter in the mail explaining that the price of the hammock had gone down since I bought it and would I please find enclosed a cheque for the difference - two dollars and change. Who the hell does that? Add into the mix a very knowledgeable staff and you get a sublime shopping experience.
I had the pleasure of working at Lee Valley filling mail and internet orders in their warehouse. The work wasn't all that pleasurable, though fondling tools all day isn't too bad a gig, but what was a pleasure was the 30 percent discount employees got. Sadly most of may pay went into buying tools.
By the way, if Leonard or Robin Lee happen to read this, I wouldn't mind back in, though maybe not in the warehouse this time.
Sunday, 24 June 2012
The Police
Not the rock band but the men and women who dress up in cool uniforms and carry a variety of weapons and restraints on their belts. I've had a few encounters over the years (I won't talk about my road rage incident again, since I covered that in an earlier blog), almost entirely for traffic violations. Like any profession, policing has its good people and its not-so-good people. Of course the criterion I apply is whether or not they give me a ticket or arrest me. Here are some things I remember:
The Ugly Highschool Graduation Incident: A tradition at my highschool (Howard S. Billings in Chateauguay Quebec) back in the 1980s was to go to a beer hall in Montreal called the Old Munich and get liquored up, returning to a hotel room for a night of vomitting. So, I was doing my part by getting well lubricated when the police decided to raid the joint. I stumbled out onto the sidewalk where I was confronted by one of Montreal's finest. I'm not sure what he said to me, but I reached into my jacket pocket to make sure I still had the key to my hotel room and the next thing I knew I was pushed up against the wall with my arm wrenched behind my back. After a slurred explanation I was let go. Ah, good times. Goooood times.
It's a Parkway, not a Speedway: I was driving down the Ottawa River Parkway with my then girlfriend, and current wife, when I saw in my rearview mirror the flashing lights of an RCMP car behind me. After I pulled over, I tell Kate that if he gives me a ticket, I will refuse to say "Thank you." to him when he hands it over. The speed limit is (ridiculously) 60 km/hr on the Parkway and the cop, after asking me how fast I thought I was going, informs me that he clocked me doing 90 km/hr. So, he goes back to his car to write me up and comes back and hands me the ticket telling me that although he clocked me going 90, he's only fining me for going 80, saving me hundreds of dollars. Me, through gritted teeth: "Thank you, Officer." Bastard.
Over Hill, Over Dale: My in-laws used to live in rural Ontario. Once, while leaving their place after a visit, I was barrelling along a long straight country road and as I crested a hill, I saw a police car at the bottom of the hill. Despite hitting the brakes, I knew they had me dead to rights. Sure enough I got pulled over. The officer, a cute petite blonde woman (sexist I know, but she was) came to my window and asked for my papers. In typical cop fashion, she asked me if I knew what the speed limit was. I told her it was 80 km/hr. She congratulated me and asked if I knew how fast I was going. I said disengenuously "Um, 90?" She replies "Nnnnooooo." "Um, 95?" I try again. "Nnnnooooo," looking at me encouragingly. "Um, 110?" deciding it's time for the truth. "Yyyyesssss!" I thought she might hand me a big fluffy stuffed elephant for finally winning something at the carny. She kindly let me off with a warning. Sweet. She can pull me over any time.
Is that Another Dead Moose?: When driving out to Calgary in 2000, we stopped for a snooze in Wawa, Ontario (no kidding there really is town called Wawa). After our little respite, we hit the road again. I was amazed by how many moose seemed to be lying dead on the side of the road in that neck of the woods. Anyway, we had already driven a long way and had a lot further to go, so I was givin' her a bit and I rounded a corner and right there is another Mountie. I didn't even wait for him to hit the lights and come after me, I just stop right on the side of the road. I think he appreciated the gesture, because he too let me off with a warning. Just to make up for my previous sexism, I'll say he was cute, too. A real prince.
Would love to hear about any experiences you may have had with the thin blue line, or red serge line.
The Ugly Highschool Graduation Incident: A tradition at my highschool (Howard S. Billings in Chateauguay Quebec) back in the 1980s was to go to a beer hall in Montreal called the Old Munich and get liquored up, returning to a hotel room for a night of vomitting. So, I was doing my part by getting well lubricated when the police decided to raid the joint. I stumbled out onto the sidewalk where I was confronted by one of Montreal's finest. I'm not sure what he said to me, but I reached into my jacket pocket to make sure I still had the key to my hotel room and the next thing I knew I was pushed up against the wall with my arm wrenched behind my back. After a slurred explanation I was let go. Ah, good times. Goooood times.
It's a Parkway, not a Speedway: I was driving down the Ottawa River Parkway with my then girlfriend, and current wife, when I saw in my rearview mirror the flashing lights of an RCMP car behind me. After I pulled over, I tell Kate that if he gives me a ticket, I will refuse to say "Thank you." to him when he hands it over. The speed limit is (ridiculously) 60 km/hr on the Parkway and the cop, after asking me how fast I thought I was going, informs me that he clocked me doing 90 km/hr. So, he goes back to his car to write me up and comes back and hands me the ticket telling me that although he clocked me going 90, he's only fining me for going 80, saving me hundreds of dollars. Me, through gritted teeth: "Thank you, Officer." Bastard.
Over Hill, Over Dale: My in-laws used to live in rural Ontario. Once, while leaving their place after a visit, I was barrelling along a long straight country road and as I crested a hill, I saw a police car at the bottom of the hill. Despite hitting the brakes, I knew they had me dead to rights. Sure enough I got pulled over. The officer, a cute petite blonde woman (sexist I know, but she was) came to my window and asked for my papers. In typical cop fashion, she asked me if I knew what the speed limit was. I told her it was 80 km/hr. She congratulated me and asked if I knew how fast I was going. I said disengenuously "Um, 90?" She replies "Nnnnooooo." "Um, 95?" I try again. "Nnnnooooo," looking at me encouragingly. "Um, 110?" deciding it's time for the truth. "Yyyyesssss!" I thought she might hand me a big fluffy stuffed elephant for finally winning something at the carny. She kindly let me off with a warning. Sweet. She can pull me over any time.
Is that Another Dead Moose?: When driving out to Calgary in 2000, we stopped for a snooze in Wawa, Ontario (no kidding there really is town called Wawa). After our little respite, we hit the road again. I was amazed by how many moose seemed to be lying dead on the side of the road in that neck of the woods. Anyway, we had already driven a long way and had a lot further to go, so I was givin' her a bit and I rounded a corner and right there is another Mountie. I didn't even wait for him to hit the lights and come after me, I just stop right on the side of the road. I think he appreciated the gesture, because he too let me off with a warning. Just to make up for my previous sexism, I'll say he was cute, too. A real prince.
Would love to hear about any experiences you may have had with the thin blue line, or red serge line.
Friday, 22 June 2012
Doing Some of it Over Again
My wife and daughter now roll their eyes when I say "If I had it to do all over again, I'd...[INSERT ANY OL' OCCUPATION]" with my daughter adding, "...you'd do anything but be a public servant!" This sounds like unhealthy regret on my part and it sort of is, but not completely.
I mostly enjoyed my B.A. and really had fun doing my M.A., and I made some great friends in both. Most importantly, I met my wife and we had our beautiful little Bean and I couldn't imagine life without them. I wouldn't change any of that. Plus, I did like the first few years of my public service career, but then, something changed, either in the public service or in me, and I became miserable.
The work seemed futile:
Finally, I returned to a new job in a department I had worked at years before. I thought I was ready having finally overcome my depression a couple of years before. I swore to myself I would never fall victim to depression again. Alas, two and half months in, I sat in my cubicle weeping again, unable to think or do anything. I am still a trembling mess. I still have a hard time with what may be called my "executive functioning". I have hard time organizing my day if I have more than two things to do. Writing this blog has become a bit easier over the months, but I wanted to write about a number of issues, researching and analysing them, but I have a hard time organizing myself to do anything, so I'm stuck writing about trivialities.
All of this is very frustrating. I have always been a moderate to high achiever at school and at work, and now I feel, well, not very high achieving. I know work has been only a part of the problem, but it has been a significant part. And that leaves me wishing that I could keep the good things I have, but have chosen a different field of study - or a different career path.
Stay tuned and I will share what I might choose if I had to do it all over again.
I mostly enjoyed my B.A. and really had fun doing my M.A., and I made some great friends in both. Most importantly, I met my wife and we had our beautiful little Bean and I couldn't imagine life without them. I wouldn't change any of that. Plus, I did like the first few years of my public service career, but then, something changed, either in the public service or in me, and I became miserable.
The work seemed futile:
- toiling away for what seemed like little effect;
- working to meet bureaucratic requirements that served only the bureaucratic machine, not the public;
- internecine turf wars;
- managers for whom every request, every demand were equally urgent (not to say important, very little of the work is that);
- working with, for and against a critical mass of, if you'll forgive the vulgarity, assholes (not -everyone, a lot of fine people in the public service, but there just enough of the former around to make it unpleasant);
- the public thinking all public servants are overpaid and underworked;
- no respect from the politicians we serve;
- a corporate culture that abhors creativity and stamps out personal initiative;
Finally, I returned to a new job in a department I had worked at years before. I thought I was ready having finally overcome my depression a couple of years before. I swore to myself I would never fall victim to depression again. Alas, two and half months in, I sat in my cubicle weeping again, unable to think or do anything. I am still a trembling mess. I still have a hard time with what may be called my "executive functioning". I have hard time organizing my day if I have more than two things to do. Writing this blog has become a bit easier over the months, but I wanted to write about a number of issues, researching and analysing them, but I have a hard time organizing myself to do anything, so I'm stuck writing about trivialities.
All of this is very frustrating. I have always been a moderate to high achiever at school and at work, and now I feel, well, not very high achieving. I know work has been only a part of the problem, but it has been a significant part. And that leaves me wishing that I could keep the good things I have, but have chosen a different field of study - or a different career path.
Stay tuned and I will share what I might choose if I had to do it all over again.
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