Wednesday, 4 April 2012


I am currently in the grips of my second major depressive episode in ten years, which really bothers me because after the last time I swore I would be more vigilant and nip it in the bud with all the useful cognitive behaviour therapy techniques I had learned.  Nonetheless, here I am.

Depression is an insidious disease because you can't see it.  It can't be imaged with x-rays or CAT scans.  It is insidious because it screws up your thinking.  I love when people say "What do you have to be depressed about?"  On one level they are right:  I have a wonderful wife and daughter, am gainfully employed, am reasonably healthy, but depression doesn't care.  My depression makes me feel like I am missing something in my life.  My depression makes me think my next door neighbours are the devil incarnate - way out of proportion to their actual offences.  My depression robs me of pleasure in various aspects of my life.  My depression makes concentrating on tasks very difficult, so that I can only manage 15 or 20 minutes at a time.  My head feels like it is in a near constant fog.  My depression saps all energy from my body; if I'm lucky I have maybe four hours of relative alertness in the morning where I can hope to get things done, the rest of the time is spent on the couch or in bed.  I sleep 10 to 13 hours a day and could probably sleep a good bit more than that.

I am one of the lucky few who does not seem to respond to medication.  I've tried them all:  Mannerix, Celexa, Cipralex, Mytazapine, Abilify, Zoloft, Effexor, Wellbutrin.  None have had more than a fleeting effect.  I also do behavioural and mindfulness therapy with my psychologist, which I believe help me from falling further than I already have.

My last depression eventually resolved itself, after three years.  That's a long time to feel like crap, though that experience is reassuring in that I just have to ride it out and I'll come out the other end of this very dark tunnel feeling like myself.

So, here's to the rest of the ride - may it be shorter than the last.


  1. I am so sorry for what you are going through. From personal experience, I do think keeping a journal can help a little bit.

    Also, have you tried a change of scenery? If you and your wife can get away for a weekend that might help a bit (at least temporarily-- it couldn't hurt!).

    Good luck with tackling it. You can do it!!


  2. Wow, I am so sorry to hear of your ailment. I truly wish I could help you. Like you said, knowing that you overcame it once must give you hope in crawling through that tunnel. Thankfully, you have a supportive family.

  3. So sad your depress, you need to enjoy life and live it fully
    do check out my E at GAC a-z

  4. It really is a miserable place to be, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can. I hope you get through this round quick!