I haven't written a blog post in quite a while largely because my depression and anxiety have taken a bit of a turn for the worse. Last summer's cardiac scare, caused by side effects of the various psychiatric drugs I was on at the time, and my subsequent dismissal from the Mood Disorder Program at the Royal Ottawa Hospital - brought about by my decision to largely stay off medication following said cardiac scare - right around a very hectic Christmas season seems to have been a tipping point. Wow, that's a run-on sentence for you. A clear sign I am out of practice.
So, my state of mind has not been great. Every little task, even the most trivial, requires a great amount of effort. Getting out of bed in the morning or brushing my teeth is a daily fight with myself. During a good week I manage to shave once. I cling religiously to making sure I work out at least three times a week, though that often means little else gets done on those days. However, my workouts are the rare times when I don't feel like absolute crap. We live at risk of our abode being "that house" in the neighbourhood as I have difficulty getting around to the yard work that needs to be done. Shrubs and grass are overgrown and weeds are taking over the lawn. Mostly, I fight to fulfill my absolute obligations - going with Kate to her many medical appointments, getting Lena to her activities, cooking and cleaning up around the house with each activity requiring a lot of self-talk to work up the motivation and energy, and each activity, however minor, leave me feeling spent. I find no, or on a good day little, pleasure in anything.
I live my life with my stomach in constant knots and a profound sadness clouding my mind. This is no way to live. Every day is an agony that is difficult to describe. The great irony is that getting out from under the weight of depression and anxiety requires a lot of work, which, in turn, is difficult to accomplish when you are crushed by the very affliction you are trying to lift off.
Nonetheless, my therapist and I work to try to get things back on track. Taking baby steps - doing things that I would normally enjoy or would usually be good at, even in small doses, will help light the way out of this very dark tunnel. So, I will try to write some blog entries - blogging therapy. Finding the time and energy to do my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and pursuing other strategies - in other words, putting in the work - may be my salvation. I am so tired - eroded is a good adjective - of living like this that I feel a small spark of motivation to get on with it.
Though I will try to rededicate myself somewhat to my blog-as-therapy, I promise, this will be the last post for a while about my depression. It consumes me enough.